Of Colonels, Doctors, and Pink Foam
by veritas2017
Summary: What happens when John and Rodney take a stab at housekeeping? Nothing good, that's for sure.


Disclaimer: I do not own SGA or any of the awesomeness associated with it.

Author's Note: I was inspired to write this after cleaning up one night at work. I began to wonder: how do they manage to keep Atlantis looking so clean? Thus, this story was born.

I make no claim that the techno babble regarding the Ancient cleaning device is anywhere near being accurate; I'm a biologist, not an engineer. If you need to know about cellular respiration and fetal pig anatomy, I'm your girl; anything else is in my soon-to-be-roommate's area of expertise. I tried to keep it vague so that it wouldn't matter if I was completely off base.

Also there is a teeny tiny spoiler for "Critical Mass" near the end.

* * *

Sheppard knew there had to be some cosmic conspiracy to keep him from going off world. 

First, Teyla had been called to the mainland for some Athosian ceremony that was going to keep her away for the better part of a month. Then McKay had found some new doo-hickey that he insisted required his full attention and refused to leave the city until he had figured it out. And Ronon, well Ronon had to go and fall off a balcony and land himself in the infirmary. No one knew exactly what had happened to cause him to break his arm in two places.Only Dr. Beckett knew and he wasn't about to break doctor-patient confidentiality for the sake of gossip.And so Sheppard was left without a team, and no team meant no missions.

He had gone to Weir and begged to be allowed a temporary position on another team. He had pleaded, pouted, whined and had even contemplated getting down on his knees in the control room. He had even volunteered for Kavanaugh duty. But she refused on the grounds that he was long over due for some time off. When he asked her about the time off she was surely due for, she choked on her coffee. She then told him to get out of her office and go enjoy his vacation.

So, here he was, in his room, trying to enjoy his "vacation." Ideally to him, a vacation involved a beach and hot girls in bikinis. But Weir had denied him that too. He made one little comment about her and Teyla in swimsuits and she had literally shoved him out of her office. He had tried to explain to her that it was only a joke, a bad one, but a joke nonetheless. She didn't seem to believe him.

That had been yesterday. So far today he had spent the morning lying on his bed counting the ceiling tiles. He was beginning to wonder if it was really possible to die of boredom.

He jumped as his computer beeped to let him know he had received a message. John had never moved so fast to open an email in his life, but well, it was something to do. Maybe it was Elizabeth, telling him she had changed her mind and was waiting for him in the 'jumper bay with her swimsuit….

He was disappointed to see that it was from "Atlantis Duties Administrator," whoever that was. He opened the message and read:

_This is an automated message. Please do not respond._

_You have been assigned to the janitorial staff for the next week as part of Atlantis' Communal Duties Program. Please report to the maintenance bay at 0830 Monday for further instruction._

_Thank you._

Sheppard blinked and re-read the message. It still said the same thing, so he assumed he hadn't imagined it. He was being assigned to cleaning duty? Wasn't he supposed to be on vacation?

* * *

Dr. Weir knew as soon as she looked at the duty roster that she was going to have a long day ahead of her. It had to be some sort of statistical improbability that they would both be chosen by the program for the same week. She and Colonel Sheppard had devised the Atlantis Communal Duties Program back before the siege as a way to make sure that tasks such as cleaning and laundry were shared among the expedition members. Fortunately, several people had volunteered to do these tasks regularly and they had never needed to enact the program before. However, after an unusually messy week several members of the cleaning crew asked for a break and Elizabeth felt obligated to grant their request. 

When she had put Sheppard's ID number into the computer that would randomly pick the "fill-ins," she didn't think he'd actually get picked. She had only decided to include him after he had made the bikini comment the day before. She knew that he had meant it has a joke, but it showed he been thinking with his…well, not his brain, that's for sure. She looked down at the list again and grimaced. Maybe if she hid now, they wouldn't find her.

_Uh-oh. _Too late.

"What is the meaning of this?" Dr. McKay stormed into her office, sounding more like an explosion on legs than a man. "Why am I stuck cleaning toilets for the next week? I have important things to be doing, I-"

"Oh, so you too, huh?" Sheppard had chosen that moment to saunter in, his usual smirk replaced by a frown.

Both men looked at her expectantly. She smiled slightly and gently rested her chin on her hands. It was going to take all of her skills as a diplomat in order to avoid an all out war in her office. "Well,-"

Surprisingly, it was Sheppard who interrupted her and not McKay. "I thought when we discussed this last year we decided that none of the senior staff would be involved in this program thingy! I don't have time to be doing things like cleaning!" he whined.

Elizabeth had to hand it to him; she didn't think he would even remember discussing this with her. "Weren't you just telling me that you were going to be bored out of your mind, Colonel? Besides, the cleaning crew needed a break. It'll only be for a week."

"Elizabeth, but-" he tried to argue.

"But what, John? You wanted something to do; request granted. It's too late for me to change the roster. I'm sure this is not the worst thing you've had to endure." She felt like she was chastising her two teenage sons, not her military commander and chief of science. Rodney had been awfully quiet since his initial outburst though and that was beginning to worry her.

"You're doing this because of the bikini joke, aren't you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Finally, McKay decided to rejoin the conversation. "What bikini joke?"

Both Sheppard and Weir rolled their eyes. "The two of you will report to maintenance tomorrow, and you will do what they tell you. If that's all gentlemen?" It was a thinly veiled order for them to get out of her office. Sheppard shot her a look that said "This isn't finished," but McKay ran out as if he were being chased by a hungry Wraith. Elizabeth had a funny feeling she was going to regret this before the week was done.

* * *

"Colonel, would you come with me for a moment? I have something you might like to see." 

Sheppard was standing in the control room, at the end of the walkway that led to Dr. Weir's office. His mind had started formulating ideas for revenge the moment she had dismissed them. McKay had interrupted him in the middle of his scheming to put hot sauce in Elizabeth's coffee. He was a little surprised by Rodney's tone. It was the one he used when he wasn't really paying attention, when his mind was off in Astrophysicists' Land and he was running on auto-pilot. He had expected the man to be ranting and raving, but he had been oddly quiet during their impromptu meeting in Dr. Weir's office. He was up to something, Sheppard was sure of it. Against his better judgment, he followed Rodney back to his lab, becoming more and more unnerved by his silence. A quiet McKay usually meant trouble. Finally, he'd had enough. "Rodney, what the hell is going on?"

"Shh! Not here!" McKay hissed as a group of marines passed them. "Wait 'til we get to the lab."

Sheppard decided to play along, for the time being. But as soon as they were in the lab, he was going to demand some answers. Fortunately, McKay was more than willing to supply an explanation once they had reached their destination.

"You don't want to mop floors. I don't want to mop floors." Sheppard nodded for him to continue. "I think I _may_ have a solution to our problem." He pointed to a large console that had been moved from a lab on the other side of the city. It looked like any other Ancient desk-thingy to Sheppard. "I believe that device controls the city's automated cleaning system. If we can get it back online before tomorrow morning we may never even have to pick up a dust pan!"

Sheppard crossed his arms over his chest and stared at McKay. "Uh-huh. And why didn't you think to mention this _back_ in Dr. Weir's office, where it might have actually done us some good?"

"Well, you see-"

"You don't have permission to activate it, do you?" John uncrossed his arms and leaned forward on the lab bench. Rodney took a step back.

"Um, no. Hence the reason for secrecy. But if this works…"

"Elizabeth won't kill us, she'll just maim us," John finished for him. "And if this doesn't work…"

"Then we're screwed. But it will work, so we don't have to worry." McKay looked

confident that this would work, but then again, he always thought his plans would work.

Sheppard looked thoughtful for a moment. He rubbed his chin and tilted his head to the side before replying. "Eh, seems like an acceptable risk." In an undertone he added, "At least I won't be bored for awhile."

"What was that last part?"

"Nothing, nothing. What do you need me to do then? It's not like I'm going to be able to fix that," he waved his hand at the console.

Rodney's eyes narrowed as he stared at the device. "I don't actually need you at all, but you could get me some more coffee and make sure I'm not disturbed."

"Ooh, I've always wanted to be a secretary."

"Yeah, sure, whatever." McKay had already started to remove the panels on the console was no longer paying any attention to the colonel. Thinking he might as well be bored here instead of in his room, Sheppard grabbed his favorite lab stool and pulled it over to the door so he could prevent any unwanted intrusions. McKay was adept at scaring off the other scientists on his own; John figured he really wouldn't have to worry too much about people showing up. How very wrong he was.

He turned away ten people within the first hour. McKay had turned off his comms, and when his staff couldn't reach him over the radio they had come looking for him in his lab. It seemed that McKay was the go-to man for everything. John contemplated putting up a "Do Not Disturb" sign, but thought that would arouse too much suspicion. Not that him sitting on a stool in the doorway wasn't suspicious enough. He told everyone that Rodney was working on a device that could detonate if it sensed more than two people in the room. If they asked why he was there he told them the device would only respond to his gene. Everyone seemed to be buying it, everyone except Dr. Zelenka.

"Dr. McKay is in there, yes?"

"Yes, but he's working on a very delicate piece of equipment, if you go in there-"

"Yes, yes, I do not care Colonel. McKay! McKay, I need to speak with you!" he called over Sheppard's shoulder. John tried to block the door way, but Zelenka merely slipped under his arm and into the lab. "McKay!"

"What!" Rodney snapped. To Sheppard he said, "I thought you were trained to do this type of stuff."

Sheppard shrugged. "What did you want me to do, kill him?"

"If that's what it would have taken."

Zelenka looked for a moment like he was going to question what was going on, but then he seemed to remember why he was there. He shoved a piece of paper under McKay's nose. "Look at this! They are making me clean!"

Rodney yanked the slip of paper out of his hand and read it. "What is she thinking? Taking _both_ of us away from the lab for a week?" he whined. "This is, this is…"

"It is outrage!" Dr. Zelenka shouted, and both Sheppard and McKay took an involuntary step backwards. "I tell her, not this, anything but this. I worked as a janitor in college and I say to myself, never again! But she says there is nothing she can do!" This was followed by a string of Czech words that neither of the other men believed to be polite.

"Whoa there Doc, hold on just a second," Sheppard held out his hands in a placating gesture. He had never seen the man so worked up before. "You got roped into this too?"

Zelenka seemed to have gotten rid of all his anger in his previous outburst, because when he spoke again, he sounded more like himself. He ran his hand through his messy hair as he replied. "Yes. I even asked Dr. Weir if I could switch weeks, but she refused. Now Kavanaugh gets to work on my project in the lab while I am gone." He sighed and pushed his glasses back up his nose. "It is not fair."

John caught Rodney's eye. He raised his eyebrows and nodded in a questioning sort of way towards Zelenka. Rodney got the message.

"Radek, I think I may have a solution to our mutual problem."

* * *

Several hours and a few dozen curses later, Sheppard had to admit that he was in way over his head. McKay and Zelenka had declared earlier that afternoon that they had done all they could for the moment; the last phase of the repair would have to wait until tonight when less people were around. So here he was, standing in a dark hallway in a remote part of the city, keeping watch while the scientists fiddled with the Ancient panel that would, supposedly, solve all their problems. He glanced down at his life signs detector and noted that someone else was roaming this part of the city as well. 

"Hey guys," he called softly, "we've got company."

McKay jumped, almost dropping the crystal in his hand. For the last hour, he and Zelenka had been trying to replace the crystals that controlled the Ancient device. The panel, or "brain of the device" as Zelenka called it, was outside the room where the device was discovered. Once the damaged crystals were replaced, one person could activate the device while another flipped a switch in the room that needed to be cleaned. It sounded simple enough, but John couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't going to end well.

"Done." Rodney declared from somewhere behind him. Sheppard's attention was on the detector. The other life sign was right on top of them; there was no way they could escape undetected now. He looked up from the screen as the person rounded the corner.

"What are you three doing here?"

McKay and Zelenka wore identical "deer-in-headlights" expressions, while Sheppard opened and closed his mouth trying to think of something to say.

Ronon tried to cross his arms over his chest, but the cast and sling on his right arm prevented him from accomplishing it. In the end he settled for sticking his left hand in his pocket. He still managed to look menacing. "I take it that you're not supposed to be here then?"

Zelenka was the first to regain control over the power of speech. "It is not that we're not supposed to be here, we just do not wish others to know what we are doing until morning." He stammered, pushing his glasses up his nose and smiling faintly at the larger man.

Ronon's eyebrows headed toward his dreadlocks. He wasn't buying it so John decided to go out on a limb. "Name your price."

"Colonel, what do you think you're doing-" Rodney started.

"All your junk food. And no more babysitting on missions."

"Deal," John agreed immediately. "As long as no one knows we were here until morning," he added.

"Deal." Ronon's grin was more predatory than friendly. As he turned back the way he came, Rodney called to him. "Aren't you supposed to be in the infirmary?" As an afterthought he added, "What does he mean by 'babysitting'?"

Ronon responded by lifting his good arm in a wave and continuing on his way.

"Are we finished here? 'Cause I'm starting to get a bad feeling about all this." Sheppard turned around to face the other two.

"What, is your spidey-sense tingling or something?" Rodney looked down at some readings on his data pad. "Yes, we're finished here. Let's head back to the lab. We can test out

the device there."

Fifteen minutes later, the trio was back in McKay's lab, standing around the Ancient device. Now that they had it fixed, they seemed to be unsure of what they should actually do. 

"Alright Sheppard, make yourself useful. Make a mess," Rodney proclaimed after a very long moment of awkward silence.

"What?"

"Make. A. Mess," he punctuated each of the words with an impatient tap of his foot. "Do I need to spell it out for you?"

Sheppard bit back his sarcastic reply and instead said, "Fine." He grabbed a cold cup of coffee off the lab bench and threw it on the wall. "There. A mess. Are you happy?"

"Wha-? You-you spilled my coffee!"

Dr. Zelenka turned his laugh into a sort of hacking cough.

"You told me to make a mess, Rodney. I made a mess. It was either your _cold _coffee or one of those nice little Ancient gadgets you're so fond of."

Rodney growled something that sounded a lot like "cocky fly-boys," but John let it slide. The irate physicist tapped his data pad a little harder than necessary before pushing a button on the console.

"Radek, the switch?"

"Oh, yes, yes, the switch." Dr. Zelenka hurried over to the far wall flicked a small lever that was almost invisible to the others. "There. The device has been activated."

They watched as a line of pink, foamy substance that smelled faintly of disinfectant oozed out of the ceiling above the coffee splattered wall. As if being moved by a giant invisible squeegee, it slowly made its way to the floor, leaving a clean wall in its wake. When it reached the floor, it disappeared just as it had appeared before.

"Very cool," Sheppard said as he walked over to the pristine wall. "Look at this. You can actually see the difference."

"Stop it. You sound like a cleaning ad," Rodney was hitting his data pad again.

"No, I'm serious. When's the last time you cleaned in here McKay?"

"This means the device is working, then?" Zelenka asked, his voice tinged with hope.

Rodney looked up from his data pad. "Yes. It works."

"WOO-HOOO!" Sheppard and McKay jumped as Radek let out a very loud and very uncharacteristic yell. When they both shot him accusing glares he cleared his throat and apologized. "Sorry. I am just very happy that we do not have to clean tomorrow." Sheppard nodded understandably while McKay shook his head and turned off the device.

"We'll meet here tomorrow at 0700 and activate the device again so we can show Elizabeth that we're not needed."

"Aye, aye, Captain." Sheppard gave McKay a mock salute and sauntered out of the lab, a very boisterous Dr. Zelenka a few steps behind.

Rodney looked sadly at his now empty coffee cup and headed off to the commissary to get some more.

* * *

The next morning dawned bright and clear on Atlantis. Sheppard knew he should have felt a little happier as he made his way to McKay's lab, but he still couldn't shake the feeling that _something _was going to go wrong. Maybe it was because things usually _did_ go wrong for him. He yawned and scratched the back of his head as the lab door softly _whooshed_ open. 

"You look like crap. Did you sleep at all last night?"

A very grumpy, very ragged looking Rodney McKay scowled at him. "_Yes,_ but I was more concerned with making sure our little scheme would work. I've been running simulations for the past four hours."

The doors _whooshed_ again and Dr. Zelenka entered, his hair even fluffier than normal. It reminded Sheppard of Albert Einstein for some reason. Or dandelion seeds. He really wasn't sure which. "Morning, Doc."

"Good morning, Colonel, McKay. Are we ready to begin?" he replied, entirely too upbeat for the other two men's liking.

"You're going to wait here while Sheppard and I go activate the switch in the gate room. When I give the signal over the radio, power up the device." Rodney grabbed his data pad and strode purposefully out of the lab. Sheppard stared after him for a few seconds before shrugging and following Atlantis's chief of science, leaving a slightly put-out Zelenka behind. Neither man said anything as they walked towards the gate room. They saw no one, which was lucky considering Rodney's sleep deprived and anxious state.

The area around the cleaning switch was mercifully devoid of all human life. Rodney took a few quick readings and flipped the switch into the "on" position while Sheppard watched. Rodney fumbled with his headset for a moment, making sure it was on. "Alright Radek, we're ready. Power up it up."

Back in the lab, Dr. Zelenka heard the command over his radio and pressed the button that would turn the device on. Nothing happened. He pressed it again. When it still did not respond, he looked at the readings being displayed on the nearest computer screen. "Oh no."

The system was getting power, but the commands were not going through the correct pathways. He radioed Rodney. "McKay, we have big problem!"

Back in the control tower, Rodney was looking at his data pad in horror. "Oh, really? What would have given you that idea?"

John tried to peer over McKay's shoulder at the computer. "What? What's wrong?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean, you 'don't know'?" You know everything!"

"Look, the only way this could be happening is if someone tampered with the control crystals we replaced. They're supposed to prevent something like this from happening." Rodney ran a hand through his hair. "Someone must have gone back and messed with the panel."

"But only four of us knew! If I didn't do it, and you didn't do it-"

"And we know Zelenka wouldn't do it-"

"That leaves Ronon," they chorused.

"We'll deal with the Benedict Arnold later. Can't you fix it?" Sheppard asked.

"I've cut the power, but the damage is already done. Look," McKay pointed to the doorway that led into the gate room. Instead of a door however, there was a wall of-

"Pink foam?" Sheppard sighed. "Screwed?"

"Screwed. Definitely screwed."

* * *

Elizabeth could not quite believe the sight before her. She had never seen anything like it before. She might have thought she was imagining it, if it were not for the matching looks of incredulity on the faces of the control room techs. And when a piece of it broke off of the mass that was slowly filling the gate room and landed on her sleeve, she knew that it was real. 

Somehow she knew that John Sheppard and Rodney McKay were responsible for this.

* * *

Colonel Sheppard, Dr. McKay and Dr. Zelenka sat on a balcony that over looked the gate room and surveyed the mayhem they had caused. All three of them had adopted the same position in their pilfered chairs; legs propped up on the railing and arms crossed over the chest. 

"You know, I still can't believe that Dr. Wilson tried to swim through it," John remarked.

"Me either. You'd think someone with that many degrees would realize that this stuff isn't nearly dense enough to support a human body," Rodney replied thoughtfully.

"Mmm," John and Radek replied in unison, both nodding their heads.

"What the hell is going on here?" Dr. Weir had not expected to find that Dr. Zelenka had been involved in this, or them sitting at the scene of the crime as if everything was fine and dandy.

John turned slightly in his chair. "Morning, 'Lizabeth."

"Colonel, please do not make me repeat myself again. _What is going on in my gate room?_" Her voice was dangerously low and the three men winced slightly when she spoke.

"There was an accident," John supplied.

"An accident with what, John?" This time it was almost a snarl.

"The city's automated cleaning system," Radek said meekly.

"RODNEY! Didn't I tell you to leave that device ALONE?" Rodney had the decency to look ashamed of himself and shrink down in his seat.

Sheppard jumped up from his chair. "Hey, that thing was working just fine last night. Someone sabotaged us."

"Sabotaged you? And why would anyone do that John? No, you know what, don't answer that. I want the three of you to go down there and clean that up. Now." She pointed to the gate room. Zelenka and McKay stood up and followed Sheppard out of the control room. Elizabeth looked out at the sea of pink and pinched the bridge of her nose.

* * *

"Well, that's just great. Just great. Why did you have to go and confess to her and get us stuck on janitor duty for the NEXT TWO WEEKS? Why? You could have just kept your big mouth shut, and none of this would've ever happened, and we could out there running from the Wraith and the Genii-" 

Sheppard couldn't bring himself to mention that this had been _McKay's _idea in the first place. "You'd rather be chased by the Wraith, Rodney? I'll remember that the next time we're hauling ass back to the gate while GETTING SHOT AT!"

"Don't yell at me, _Colonel._ This was all your idea to begin with."

"Rodney, just shut up." John dunked his mop back into the bucket as Ronon walked by, a smirk on his face.

"Sheppard. McKay."

"Oh, and don't you _even _start you-you traitor! I can't believe you ratted us out after Kirk over here had already confessed!" Rodney snarled. Ronon continued to walk away. "Hey, I'm talking to you!" he called after the much larger man.

John looked as though he was trying to glare a hole into Ronon's back. "Don't worry, Rodney. He'll get his…"

"And when he does…"

"He'll be sorry he ever snitched on us."

They turned as Radek entered from another door, cleaning cart in tow. His expression was similar to the one he wore after returning from M7G-677, minus all the paint.

"Hey Doc, what do you say to the idea of revenge?" Sheppard asked.

The normally friendly engineer's face broke into a truly evil smile. "What did you have in mind, Colonel?"

* * *

Second Author's Note: And just so everyone knows, there will be a sequel to this, er, eventually. I haven't started writing it yet, but I have a few ideas. It's gonna deal with the revenge and Ronon's version of what happened, including how he broke his arm. 


End file.
